guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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