The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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