Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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