one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
