i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
