What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
