is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
