the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
