There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
