my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
