non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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