I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize