woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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