Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
