ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
