saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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