I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she woke up with a sticky ear
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
