I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
