Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
