I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
