I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
