Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
