Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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