I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize