I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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