Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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