and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
