I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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