You left your underwear on the fireplace
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think my moral compass just broke
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
