did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
