The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
