woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
