I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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