He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
