So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
