At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
