Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
