I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Come on in and take your pants off
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