Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
