this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize