can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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