After last night, I could never be a politician.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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