Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
