remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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