Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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