i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
