She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
nutella sex= disaster
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
