I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
