p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
