I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
