A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
