Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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