I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
