So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
