just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
