Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
